I Can't Cry Hard Enough
by angelsinstead
Summary: Wendy has to say goodbye. (Warren/Wendy - Search for Tomorrow)


**"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller**

Rain fell from the sky just as it had one year ago. The droplets were like tears falling mournfully from Heaven. Her amethyst eyes gathered dew as she left her car, approaching the florist shop. Wendy Carter was on a mission.

"What can I help you with, Miss?" asked the lady behind counter.

"I - I'd like a couple of balloons," she managed in a quiet murmur.

"Special occasion?"

Wendy visibly winced. "Uhhh yeah... you could _kind of_ say that."

The florist smiled. "What color of balloons would you like?"

"One light blue... and the other- it... it HAS to be purple," she said as tears threatened to prick at her eyes. She refused to shed them. Not now and not here.

"Okay, two balloons coming right up. One light blue... and the other purple," the lady said. She worked behind the counter to fill the balloons with helium. She tied the filled balloons to a long white ribbon that had a fancy curl upon its end.

"Here you go," she said cheerfully as she held out the balloons to Wendy.

Wendy looked frightened to touch what the woman was offering, but she HAD TO. She had to reach out and take the ribbon into her hand.

"Th- thank you," she said as she produced the money she had been carrying in her other hand. The bills were slightly wadded up and a bit damp from the rain. She placed six dollars onto the counter.

"You can keep the change."

She turned on her heel and then she left.

Moments later, she stood in a field. It was covered in wildflowers; lavender, pinks, and multiple shades of blue. She realized that she had found the perfect place to make her release. As she stared up at the blue sky with its shimmering clouds, she thought of her loved ones.

"Warren Carter Junior, my baby boy - taken too soon. You died before I held you, before I even got to **see** you. I had a horrible car wreck on the way to see your daddy. Your death tore me to pieces, but it brought us back together - your daddy and me. He realized then how much he wanted me and how much he had wanted YOU. He asked me to marry him and to my surprise, he offered me a happily ever after. So I reached out and I took it. I never, EVER wanted to let him go.*

*I missed you _so much_ , Baby Warren, but your daddy made me happy again. In his arms, I was able to mourn the loss of you. We cried together. And there were times, when I was in his arms; when I was gazing into his eyes, that I almost believed it could happen. That good things and happiness could belong to someone like me - **ME**. But ohhh God, I guess I was wrong."

A strong wind picked up, almost tugging the balloons right out of Wendy's hand. She clung to the ribbon more tightly, her voice shaking as she continued to speak. She had to let it _all_ out.

*Warren Carter, I loved you SO much! All I wanted was you and our baby, our precious little boy. When we lost our son, I thought I couldn't go on, but you gave me the strength to get back on my feet again. You asked me to marry you and once again, just like that - I had a purpose. I grieved so deeply, but you helped me to believe there would be a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. I dared to hope and to dream, until Suzie took that all away.*

She remembered that moment when Warren died in her arms of a gunshot wound as his blood stained her clothing. His last words were, "I love you, Wendy." Then he closed his eyes and he was gone.

She screamed out all of her pain and sorrow as she held her beloved in her arms. Suzie had killed him, her one and only love. Warren Carter was dead. Not only did she lose their baby son, but just a few months later, the man she loved had tragically died in her embrace.

She looked at the balloons, swaying in the breeze. The rain was gone now. Only a faint sheen of water shown upon the flowers that surrounded her in every direction. Staring up at the sky, Wendy let go. The light blue balloon was just a tiny bit ahead of the purple one. They were both going up, up, up toward the sky together. As she watched them become smaller and smaller, they eventually faded from her sight. Cleansing tears began to fall from sad amethyst eyes.

"Goodbye, my love. Take care of our son, up in the clouds. Tell him Mommy loves him... and she'll see him one day, beyond the stars," Wendy said as her voice reached out to Warren.

A terrible weight was lifted off her as her heart started to beat again with extreme slowness. It was sluggish at first as though it were gradually coming back to life from a long, cold winter. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to LIVE when all she had ever loved was out of reach, somewhere beyond the farthest clouds.

She knew she had to go on living, but she didn't know how. How could she survive when the depths of her soul ached with each and every heartbeat?

*Help me,* she implored of her dear angels. *Please help me go on. I _have to_ GO ON.*

A sense of strength and survival suddenly struck her. Warren had been gone for weeks now and she had made it. She had survived! It had been utter HELL, but she had made it through the two worst storms of her life. First the loss of her baby... then Warren. She had lost her unborn child and then her baby's father had bled to death while in the cradle of her arms.

*Goodbye, Warren. Goodbye, baby boy. I will see you both beyond the stars.*

With those thoughts carrying her forward, she returned to her car. She was aching with so much emptiness, but she HAD to go on. She would never lose her loved ones - NEVER - not completely, because they had become a part of her forever, captured in her heart. Nothing could break a bond so deep; not even death.

Squaring her shoulders, she wiped away those tears. Wendy Carter was a survivor. She was going home.


End file.
